I won’t make excuses for my lack of newsletters lately. Truthfully, my mind has struggled to come up with content, or at least, I struggled to come up with content that didn’t suck. I have been so wrapped up in other writing projects that finding the time to write about myself and my life was a mountain I was not willing to scale.
It is not easy to write about yourself, especially when you are not entirely sure how you feel about yourself. I am leagues from the self-hatred I used to feel. The loathing I threw at myself in my early 20s was harsh and cruel. No one could bully me more efficiently than I was already bullying myself.
Thankfully, I have moved on from those days - mostly. I am not yet able to proudly announce that I love myself, though that is the direction I hope I am heading. The process is not an easy one, it comes with many missteps along the way. On my journey, I have collected a few tools that help me see my value and worth as a human and I would like to share those with you now. I have these tools because many others shared them with me, either directly or indirectly, and they have been invaluable to me.
I hope beyond all measure that those of you reading this know how amazing you are and that these tools will be of no use to you. Even the most confident people have days of self-doubt, so for you confident queens, keep these in your back pocket for those days.
For much of my life, my lack of self-worth came from my exterior. The belief that I was less than because of the size of my body was (and is) my biggest struggle. The first, and most important, step I took toward finding self-love is this: I broke up with diet culture. I have no time for any program, app, or person who promises me weight loss if I follow their strict regime. Reminding myself that health does not equal thinness, and that I, as a fat woman, am allowed to simply eat healthy without the goal of shedding pounds. I, as a fat woman, am allowed to exercise because I enjoy feeling strong, not because I want to burn calories.
Breaking up with diet culture also meant breaking up with my scale. We can tell ourselves it is just a tool, or it is just a number. If it is just a number, why do we need to know it? During our first six months here I had started gaining some weight back and every time I stepped on that scale I instantly felt disappointment and rejection. Why do we do that to ourselves? Being 5, 10, 15, or 20lbs heavier doesn’t change who I am as a human being. The number on that scale climbing higher does not mean my worth as a person is sliding lower. I could tell myself that, but every time a slightly bigger number appeared on that screen, I fell back into habits that were no good for my mental health. Throw out your scale my friend, that little square box knows nothing about the amazing human you are.
Thirdly, I curated my social media. This is a big one that we don’t always realize has such an impact on our sense of self-worth. When I was in my peak weight loss season, I was following countless accounts that were centered purely on how to lose more weight, what to eat for weight loss, how to dress to look thinner, which workouts lead to more weight loss. It is exhausting to even think about what my social media feed looked like back then. I started to pay attention to how those accounts and posts made me feel about myself. The ones that left me feeling unworthy of love because I wasn’t thin enough got quickly unfollowed. I am ruthless with my social media now, there are no second chances. If any person or content creator I follow shares even one post that triggers any sort of negative self-talk for me I immediately find the unfollow button. I have zero desire to let perfect strangers dictate how I should feel about myself.
Being more intentional with my social media lead to a beautifully curated feed that is full of the people I love, as well as people who help me love myself. If you are someone struggling with your self-worth, here are some of my favourite accounts to follow: Alicia McCarvell, Bree Lenehan, Katie Budenberg, Hannah Logan, barely.brave (MacKenzie). These women all approach life with a ferocity that I admire and hope to emulate. They love themselves, and they share their honest stories of how they got there.
Lastly, and perhaps the most difficult step, I am working very hard to change how I talk to myself. My initial instinct for most of my last has been to talk down to myself in most situations. Misread a recipe and make the world’s saltiest dinner? I’m an idiot. Gain 2lbs after a weekend of joy spent with loved ones? What a loser. Simply looking at my reflection? Ew. Seeing those scenarios written in my own words makes me emotional even now.
At the core of all my wishes for myself is my greatest desire to simply love myself. I will NEVER get there if I continue to belittle myself every chance I get. So, I have made a great effort to change the way I speak to, and about, myself. It is not an easy task and it requires many failures. Just keep going. I still call myself all those horrible things, the difference is now I can notice it and counteract it. I’m not an idiot, I’m actually a great cook, I just mistook tsp for tbsp, no big deal. I am not a loser, I had an amazing weekend, and those donuts were delicious treats! The woman looking back at me in the mirror is not disgusting, she has beautiful brown eyes and her smile lights up the room.
I am working on loving myself in pockets. It won’t happen all at once, but celebrating all those tiny little moments of my day will add up to a lot of love. When I write in my journal every morning, I give myself a compliment first. Not an affirmation - those have never worked for me. Just a simple compliment. “Good morning Ashley, you wrote some beautiful words yesterday.” or “Did you see how great you look in those jeans?! They make your ass look amazing!” I carry those little compliments to myself with me all day, and I can hold on tight to them if I feel negative self-talk worming its way in.
The journey to self-love is akin to Frodo making his way to Mordor, it is long, difficult, and full of ugly little Gollum’s trying to hold you back (hopefully you understood that reference). I am still in the early days of my long journey, and yet, I can already tell it is beyond worth it to just keep going. One day at a time, one minute at a time, I will get there. Just keep going.
Until next time,
Ashley
You are beautiful just the way you are.